There was time when it was completely maddening trying to understand my wife and I think it’s because she unconditionally loves me. Here’s how it seems. My wife Olga won’t do anything I want her to do. I mean that. In the smallest of matters her response to my wants and preferences is often an unemotional, casual NO. At the same time her actions toward me could not be any more supportive, affectionate, caring or consistently loving. Are you as confused as I am? Or do you get it?
A quick disclaimer, I’ve been loved by some wonderful people in my life and I take responsibility for not loving them as well as they loved me. But I was literally doing the best I could, as we all do until we understand how to do better.
I was raised on the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” In other words, give people what you’d like to receive. And since I wanted people to do what I want them to do, agree with my view of the world and let me have my way, it seemed simple to recognize when I was loved and how to love. Love is getting what I want and sacrificing myself to give them what they want. Except that isn’t the way it is in my Olga’s world. For my wife, love is doing unto others what they actually need done to them.
Read some of her articles to understand her uncompromised approach to self-transformation:
Evolving Role of Masculine Feminine In Modern Institutions – Marriage & Business – Illustrated with Erotic Fantasy Art by Boris Vallejo & Sensual Pseudo-Realism of Dorian Cleavenger;
The Anatomy of Pain & Violence. 20 Reasons Why A Man Suffers, 20 Reasons Why You Are Not Getting Happier & Why 12 million Women & Men Will Be Abused This Year.
In my old definition everyone feels good. I let you stay stuck in your dysfunctional patterns, you let me stay stuck in mine. We co-depend, share that bottle of wine or toke of weed with dinner and stumble along half asleep. My pleaser gets to “sacrifice” and do for you in an attempt to “earn” your love. The problem is, because of the insatiable neediness of the pleaser, it never thinks it’s getting as much in return and justifies resentful, passive-aggressive, mean-spirited behaviors. And then we wonder where the love went.
In Olga’s world, there’s still a great dinner on the table but it’s extremely hot in the kitchen. There’s no wine, no weed and no pretending or hiding from the truth of whether or not we’re both living up to our potential.
Walking on the beach yesterday the words came to me, “She won’t do anything I want, but she does absolutely everything I need.” See why I’m so confused?
She tells me this is something called unconditional love, but I must admit, I have only a conceptual grasp of the concept. You see my love was always conditional; gain too much weight or stop doing what I wanted you to do, or giving me what I wanted and I’m wondering why I’m still here… I read somewhere that men are always calculating whether the deal is worth it and no wonder. If the exchange is, you give me what I want and I give up aspects of what I want and who I am to give you what you want, that kind of calculation makes sense. It’s transactional and if someone more willing or able or less demanding or insistent is available, since it’s just business, it’s worth considering if I can get a better ROI (return on investment).
In this crazy unconditional love place, it’s not transactional it is essential. Unconditional love is completely pouring my authentic self into the relationship and the importance of the life we have together transcends my personal wants and comforts. This is being “all in”, about building this couple’s business, whatever it takes and whatever I have to take to get it done. The ROI is to be able to make the investment and to experience selflessness, full immersion and transcendence of ego.
In Sanskrit there’s a term for the sublimely blissful experience of the boundless, pure consciousness that is a glimpse of ultimate reality, Satcitananda. It’s three concepts together:
- Sat, truth or being
- Cit, consciousness
- Ananda, bliss
And that might be the best definition of unconditional love I can muster, aligning with truth – pure being-ness, vigilantly staying conscious within the dream that is humanness, thinking and all the other illusions, and, being “all good” with it all, experiencing a joy that transcends understanding… Transcends understanding? I guess it’s OK that I don’t really understand unconditional love… as long as I live it…
Looking for a business coaching advice? Book your free coaching session with us here or at Executive-Coach.Net.
